Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Sean Avery: Dickface

Alright so by now you've all heard what Sean Avery said about Elisha Cuthbert. What? You haven't? Fine. He basically called out Dion Phaneuf for banging his ex-girlfriend, saying that she was his 'sloppy seconds'. If you want to watch it, go to cause I'm not going to link the video. Get over it.

Anyway I've got two problems with the whole thing, neither of them has anything to do with hockey.

1.) What guy on the planet has been completely OK when his co-workers (or anyone else he knows) line-up to do his ex?

Think about it. You break up with a smoking hot girl that everyone has been talking about. She's rich, famous, and more than likely out of your league. Things go south and then all of a sudden you find out that two guys from accounting have given this girl a sack lunch.

Yea I'd be pissed - you would to. That would chap my ass that they would ride my coat tails in to the scene.

But then I'd realize that , hey, fuck it - I was there first and they didn't have the stones or the ability to get her before it became cliche. At least I was number one, right?

So Sean should be proud, not pissed. If you whine about it to the local beat writers (who, for the most part, are some of the worst humans on the planet) in a room full of naked dudes ... well, lets just say you should re-evaluate things.

Bottom line - Sean needs to grow up.

Or just sit in his house, paint his finger nails black and listen to 'This Brilliant Dance' on repeat while Dion blasts shots from the point into his hot ex-girlfriend's net. I don't care.

Speaking of which ...

2.) WHY DO WE CARE?!? If Avery says this stuff in the latest issue of Maxim it's a non-issue. ESPN doesn't cover it. The guys at work aren't talking about it. People aren't making pub trivia names like 'Avery's Sloppy Seconds'. And the Stars still aren't fit to wash the South East division's jock. (OK - some things don't change)

I've said worse about a lot of my old girlfriends. My work didn't suspend me (yet). Nor should they have - that's my personal life.

Granted he's famous and I'm not - but I think the key here is that he was at work and he made a spectacle out of the whole thing. Who asks if a camera was on? Give me a break. If you want to make sure Elisha knows you're all 'unhappy face' just leave a really emo message on her Facebook wall.

BUT - the whole incident didn't warrant a suspension. He should have been cut, or demoted to the Stars AHL affiliate. Humiliate the guy, don't publicize it and lock up his future as the next 'controversial' studio guy for ESPN or Versus. Even Marty Brodeur thinks that he's an asshole - and Marty left his wife ... for his wife's SISTER!

Avery's a dick - stick him in the Texas (thanks RC) Stars camp and let him and his Vogue internship rot there.


So, when are the Bruins playing again? Tomorrow? Thank Jebus.


  1. Too bad they suspended him before the Flames game, too. The inevitable Avery/Phaneuf throwdown would have been EPIC.

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  3. It's not too often that you get this sort of stuff in the NHL - and letting Phaneuf settle it with a hockey fight seems like the perfect solution. More things should be solved with hockey fights.

    When do you get an arena to fight someone, 100% legally and even for the entertainment of thousands, for insulting your girlfriend? Only in the NHL.

    Would have been good for the league, too. People who couln't tell you what team Sidney plays for know now Sean Avery's name.

  4. /sigh he said what any normal man would have said about his ex-g/f he said sloppy seconds he didn't even swear...this is a big time farce!!! Let him an dion settle it on live TV ...and watch DION kick avery butt while the cameras are ROLLING!!!

  5. Two quick things (OK, probably not quick):

    1 - Suspending Avery is indeed lunacy . . . however, I think he was exerting dominance over the multiple other NHL players who have nailed/are nailing his ex-girlfriends, and that's as American as apple pie (or, perhaps more appropriately, as Canadian as being sick of Don Cherry's shit). It's completely legitimate trash talk, just like when Avery told the dude at the Garden to "have fun with that" in reference to the heckler's fat wife. Avery is a bag full of trash, but unfortunately, sometimes he's exactly right (aka "no one cares about Jerome Iginla").

    2 - The AHL played shell game with affiliates . . . the Dallas farm squad is no longer the Iowa Stars. Instead of the completely intelligent move of simply swapping the Houston (Wild) and Iowa (Stars) allegiances, Des Moines is now the home of the . . . Anaheim farm squad. The NHL is broken. Also, check out what the team is actually called - it's shameful like Catholic school.

  6. FML. Obv.

    The mascot is a dude in a completely pink fluffy pig outfit - creepiest thing ever:

    Needless to say, I gave up my season tickets, and only attend games in the section with the full bar. It's like a heroin nightmare.

  7. Further development late yesterday...

    "Avery issued an apology Wednesday that was published by

    "I would like to sincerely apologize for my off-color remarks to the press yesterday from Calgary. I should not have made those comments and I recognize that they were inappropriate. It was a bad attempt to build excitement for the game, but I am now acutely aware of how hurtful my actions were. I caused unnecessary embarrassment to my peers as well as people I have been close with in the past.

    "I apologize for offending the great fans of the NHL, the commissioner, my teammates, my coaching staff and the Dallas Stars management and ownership," "
    The quote continues (says me)...
    "And the league needs to get a fucking sense of humor. There's simply no way this warrants anything more than a slap on the wrist."

    I'm with Sean there. Phanuef is laughing at him and is probably monumentally disappointed to not have a chance to trade blows on the ice and frankly, we all should be. The fact is that guys like the great Terry O'Reilly probably said far worse back in the day to rile up opponents, but due to the internet and retards like us, this stuff becomes a big deal. Come on, in the 1970's, no one even KNOWS Avery and Phanuef dated the same girl much less made public comments about her.

    I vote for a steel cage match with Randy Savage as the ref.