Thursday, October 29, 2009

Reasons I Hate The New Jersey Devils

We all have teams that we hate.

Some are universal: Red Wings, Yankees, anyone who employs Mike Ribiero. Some are more obscure: Canucks (seriously, that old-school sweater looks like what this kid is about to crawl into), Panthers (ridiculously stupid stadium growling noise - NHL & NFL), Hurricanes (the in-excusable discontinuance of the Brass Bonanza).

I hate the New Jersey Devils for a varierty of reasons. Some pretty obvious, some less so. Allow me to elaborate ...

1.) Ruining offensive hockey and creating the lock-out (maybe). Ask anyone to name reasons that hockey was no fun to watch for a good portion of the pre-lockout years and they will will say "not enough scoring". Some of that can be attributed to the clutch/grab stuff but more of it can be attributed to the pervasive neutral-zone trap. Who brought that into the limelight? The Devils. It's easy to do, doesn't require skilled players, and chokes the shit out the offense.

2.) I drafted Patrik Elias in my fantasy league in the fall of 2005. Immediately after making the pick I was informed that he contracted Hepatitis A while playing in Russia, thus making him a perfect waste of space for the majority of the season, and making me the target of many a joke. Thanks, Patrik.

3.) The team is named after this thing. Yes, people think it's real - and maybe it is. But more likely they're just idiots. For comparison's sake, the Bruins are named after a bear. An actual animal, and according to trusted national news agencies, the animal we really need to be worried about.
4.) My good friend, and scribe of Mike Scioscia's Tragic Illness, used to beat me a little more often that I beat him in NHL 00 back when we were in college. His weapon of choice? The Devils. Nothing can make a man more irate than having his best players injured after the whistle by an out of control Scott Stevens. He contends that this is allowed for within the rules of such a contest - we disagree to this day.

Enjoy the game, everyone. I'll have my Elias voodoo doll on hand, so when he goes down in the 2nd holding his groin for no apparent reason you only have me to thank.

GO B's!


  1. For the record, I didn't injure guys after the whistle. I just made sure that every guy who touched the puck ended up flat on his ass during game play, because how are you going to score like that?

  2. Mr. Scioscia's Illness. You are correct you did every player after they passed the puck. You also injured players after the whistle. I know, you took out Joe Sakic from many a game... you son of a rabbid wombat.

  3. who hates the red wings? i certainly dont.

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